Not All Vampires Drink Blood
By Andy Morris
Colin would always light up a room with the charisma and energy of a dead fish. Nick had hoped his manager wouldn’t come tonight, but he knew he’d be here and cast his grey cloud over everyone's fun. Colin’s painfully dull temperament meant he had few friends and, so, he took every opportunity to inflict himself upon the rest of the team from the hotel kitchen. Nick already had a headache and didn’t need Colin’s monotonous droning to make it worse. Everything about his boss was uninspiring and drab, especially his outfit. The black had almost faded to dark green, and it made him look even more out of place in this trendy bar. Weird Colin, as he was sometimes referred to, was the only one not sporting the latest gleaming black fashions, and this had led some colleagues to joke that he wasn't even a real cockroach! His long antenna waved awkwardly above the crowd before finding Nick and the others in the corner. He wasted no time scuttling through the writhing sea of shiny polished figures.
Go away, go away, go away, he silently pleaded, pretending he hadn’t noticed him. Colin skittered over and stopped just short of Nick. His unusually small eyes locked onto Nick’s while his feelers twitched uncomfortably close as if he were smelling him. There was indeed a strange smell in the air, but it certainly wasn’t Nick. The pungent sickly-sweet odour was coming from Colin. Nick didn’t know what kind of cologne he wore, but the overpowering scent was unmissable.
“You put some funny stuff online,” Kylynn’s chittering voice pulled Nick back to the present. Her feelers swayed affectionately. “It always makes me laugh.”
Kylynn was lovely and could make everyone feel she was their best friend. Sadly, the closeness and spontaneity that they used to share felt strained these days. It was probably just his mood. Ever since Colin had joined their colony last month, Nick had lost his motivation for the work. Sometimes, just being around others felt like a chore and coming on team nights out like this required a lot of effort.
“Oh, erm, right. Fascinating,” Colin’s feelers twitched awkwardly as he tried to insinuate himself into the group. “So, you’re quite funny?”
Well, maybe you’d know if you’d taken the trouble to try and get to know any of us since you started! The thought was bitter and unhelpful, so Nick pushed it away. He should try and make an effort with his team leader.
“Yeah,” Nick replied. “It’s just funny stuff I find and then share online”, he said dismissively, hoping to end the conversation quickly.
“Well, erm, go on then. Tell us a joke.” Colin suggested. Everyone fell silent, and even the music seemed to fade in the background. And if that wasn’t awkward enough, Weird Colin’s tiny eyes were now locked on Nick, boring into him, mining his very soul.
“Well,” Nick began reluctantly. Of course, he had tons of jokes and anecdotes but, all of a sudden, none of them seemed even remotely humorous.
“Okay,” he continued. “Knock, knock.”
“Oh, I see. And, erm, who’s there?” Colin played his role with the gleeful excitement of a young child.
“Europe,” Nick sighed.
“Europe who?”
“No, you’re a poo!” Nick emphasised the punchline by comedically pointing one of his antenna at the other roach.
Silence.
Colin’s confused expression was more irritating than his voice. The joke, which usually drew a chuckle or polite smile, had been sucked into the black hole that was his Weird Colin’s personality. It was lost forever in the vacuum of charisma, and in that moment, Nick knew he would never tell it again.
Kylynn giggled politely, even though she’d heard it before.
“Oh, I see,” Colin got it. “Erm, you are a poo! Ha-ha!” His laugh was loud as he clapped Nick on his shoulder and continued chuckling. “No, erm, you’re a poo, Nick!” Colin laughed louder, almost uncontrollably, as if this was the first time he’d ever been told a joke in his whole life. What was most discomforting was that Colins' mirth wasn’t fake. It was weirdly genuine, which just made Nick feel all the more uncomfortable. He now had a connection with his manager, which meant he'd probably be at his side for the rest of the evening - leeching on his fun and enjoyment like a parasite. Or a kind of social vampire – one that drains your joy rather than your blood. Nick took a step back as his boss bent over, still shaking his head in hysterics. When Colin looked up again, he had to wipe away a tear.
“Oh yes. That was, erm, very funny, Nick. Do you have any other jokes?”
“No,” Nick’s reply was immediate and definitive. He turned to the team for support, but the three female cockroaches were busy chattering amongst themselves. They seemed to do that a lot more these days – talk amongst themselves. He watched them enviously as they gossiped excitedly, waving their antenna, flexing their wings and occasionally hissing over some incident in the kitchen. There was no way into that conversation at that moment. That’s why socialising was such hard work these days.
When did this happen? Nick lamented. He was always the fun one, always popular with his friends. However, over the last few weeks, he’d been feeling less connected to his colleagues and had nothing to contribute to discussions. Nick adjusted his wings self-consciously. He didn’t know why or where it came from but, he was aware of a distance growing between him and the rest of the team. What's more, his shell, always gleaming and bright, was starting to look neglected. For a horrifying moment, he feared he was turning into Weird Colin.
Weird Nick?
No, that would never happen!
His headache thumped as the silence between the pair yawned awkwardly. Colin was looking up at him with his usual mixture of sadness, disinterest and expectation. It was the kind of face you wanted to punch. Nick took self-conscious a sip of beer and scanned the room slowly, straining his antenna to catch the scent of anyone else he knew here. Colin’s over-powering aroma made it difficult to ignore him, but if Nick could steer him towards someone else and dump him on them. He'd wait for Colin to open his mouth, then he'd run away into the shadows where he’d be free to join his friends and be himself again. It would be unkind to the other person but, these were desperate times. His search for a surrogate conversation ended a few moments later when he realised there was no one else here that he knew. He was stuck here with his impossibly dull colleague. Irritability and boredom swelled within him. He should have stayed home tonight where it was damp and cosy and dark.
“I’ve, erm, started working on a new project in the kitchen,” Colin began in his haltingly dreary fashion. “It's going to be fascinating work, and I need you to help me with it. The pace will be a little slower, but it’ll be a nice change if, erm, nothing else.”
Right, I’ll go and kill myself now! Nick cursed under his breath, while out loud, he heard himself saying, “Oh. Okay, hang on a second.” He put his glass on the sticky table next to him. Then, without waiting for a response, Nick quickly scuttled to the toilets and disappeared under the door.
Inside the grotty, mildew stained bathroom, the row of five urinals was all unoccupied. Nick selected the one in the corner on the far right. He unzipped his flies and turned his attention downwards.
“That’s a, erm, a smashing idea," praised a flat, joyless voice from right beside him. Every muscle immediately tensed up.
Why did you have to follow me in here?
“You, erm, made me realise that I should probably go too. I need to be careful how much of this beer I drink. Ha-ha.” Colin’s chuckle was artificial and irritating.
Nick’s mouth twisted tightly, and he closed his eyes. “Yeah.”
There are four other urinals, so why do you have to stand so close? Nick complained to himself. You should always stand at least one urinal apart when you’re shaking the weasel. Everyone knows that! And you certainly don’t – under any circumstances – make conversation while you’ve both got your peckers’ out! God help me!
“This is, erm, a nice place," Colin continued, oblivious to Nicks discomfort. "These toilets are certainly pleasant, and I do like this Budweiser – ” he pronounced it bud-wiser, “ – beer they serve here. I’ll have to, erm, have another pint of it when we finish in here. How about you? Will you have another bud-wiser beer?”
"Yeah, probably," Nick replied, cursing his bladder. Colin's presence had not only annoyed him but had also triggered his shy bladder and, now he couldn’t go at all. When he came in, he could have had a decent slash, but now there was nothing. Stupid Weird Colin and his stupid voice had ruined his piss. And what's worse, Nick knew for a fact that as soon as he went back outside, he would need to go again. But he couldn’t come straight back into the bogs because that would just look weird, wouldn’t it! Nick stared straight ahead at the wall but felt Colin’s beady eyes upon him.
“I was, erm, watching a documentary last night,” Colin started to export more of his humourless drivel.
“Have you heard of the, erm, ampulex vampirosa? They are recognised officially as the ampulex compressa or the emerald cockroach wasp. They’re quite fascinating. Erm, you see – ”
"Right," Nick interrupted. He shook himself as if he'd just finished urinating and zipped up his flies. “I’ll see you outside,” Nick called over his shoulder, no longer caring if he appeared impolite. He didn’t wash his hands and quickly scuttled back under the door into the bar area. Outside he spied his team ran over to them.
“He’s such a weirdo.” He hissed urgently, massaging the dull ache behind his temples. “I don’t know how much more of him I can take.”
“Who?” Kylynn turned her feelers towards him. “Who’s that?”
“Colin. Weird frigging Colin!”
"Oh yeah, he's a bit dull, isn't he. I can't believe we've got to work with him."
"I know! He just followed me into the toilets to talk about wasps or something,” Nick shook his antenna in bewilderment.
“He’s here? Oh, dear. Should we say hello?” Kylynn's feelers waved around, trying to detect him.
“Yes..? He’s been here for ages...” Nick replied slowly, then stopped. Weird Colin was at his side again. That was strange - He hadn’t seen him come back. It was the second time Colin had crept up on him without him noticing. He moved to the side to allow Kylynn to see him but, she continued, "Where is he? Is he with anyone?"
Before Nick could respond, Colin addressed his confusion.
“They can’t, erm, see me,” his boss explained. His eyes seemed to sparkle in delight, and his antenna swished in a kind of gloating manner. “Only you can see me and hear me, erm, Nick. The reason for that is simple and also quite fascinating. You see, when we ampulex vampirosa sting a cockroach, we deliver a cocktail of chemicals, as well as several dozen eggs, into the victim’s brain. I made you, erm, forget about that particular encounter, but now your starting to notice things aren’t quite right? Something is different?”
Nick put a hand to his pounding head.
“You've got a headache and, you’re becoming more withdrawn and despondent.” Colin continued. “I know this because I’ve been in your head, feeding on your motivation and energy ever since I stung you.” Nick got another waft of that sickly-sweet odour as Colin rubbed his feelers together. By now, Wired Colin was almost buzzing with excitement as he continued, “I, erm, liked what you said about me earlier – a social vampire. I’ll have to remember that one. I knew I’d made a good choice when I picked you for this, erm, project.” Colin paused, and for a moment, his shape seemed to change. He became smaller, thinner, and his body took on a green hew. A wasp now hovered in front of Nick's eyes. It only lasted a second or two before Colin was a cockroach once more. Nick stumbled backwards as the weight of information sank in.
“It won’t be long now before you, erm, feel compelled to visit my nest. You’ll be like a mindless zombie - drained of your free will and totally under my control,” the vile wasp went on. “You’ll stay there while the larvae in your head grow. Then, when they’re ready to hatch, they'll erm, chew their way out. It’s fascinating to watch, and don't worry, I'll erm, keep you company the whole time. I'll look forward to hearing all of your funny jokes.” The old wasp grinned, and for the first time, despite his stinging migraine, Nick gave Colin his full, undivided attention.
Go away, go away, go away, he silently pleaded, pretending he hadn’t noticed him. Colin skittered over and stopped just short of Nick. His unusually small eyes locked onto Nick’s while his feelers twitched uncomfortably close as if he were smelling him. There was indeed a strange smell in the air, but it certainly wasn’t Nick. The pungent sickly-sweet odour was coming from Colin. Nick didn’t know what kind of cologne he wore, but the overpowering scent was unmissable.
“You put some funny stuff online,” Kylynn’s chittering voice pulled Nick back to the present. Her feelers swayed affectionately. “It always makes me laugh.”
Kylynn was lovely and could make everyone feel she was their best friend. Sadly, the closeness and spontaneity that they used to share felt strained these days. It was probably just his mood. Ever since Colin had joined their colony last month, Nick had lost his motivation for the work. Sometimes, just being around others felt like a chore and coming on team nights out like this required a lot of effort.
“Oh, erm, right. Fascinating,” Colin’s feelers twitched awkwardly as he tried to insinuate himself into the group. “So, you’re quite funny?”
Well, maybe you’d know if you’d taken the trouble to try and get to know any of us since you started! The thought was bitter and unhelpful, so Nick pushed it away. He should try and make an effort with his team leader.
“Yeah,” Nick replied. “It’s just funny stuff I find and then share online”, he said dismissively, hoping to end the conversation quickly.
“Well, erm, go on then. Tell us a joke.” Colin suggested. Everyone fell silent, and even the music seemed to fade in the background. And if that wasn’t awkward enough, Weird Colin’s tiny eyes were now locked on Nick, boring into him, mining his very soul.
“Well,” Nick began reluctantly. Of course, he had tons of jokes and anecdotes but, all of a sudden, none of them seemed even remotely humorous.
“Okay,” he continued. “Knock, knock.”
“Oh, I see. And, erm, who’s there?” Colin played his role with the gleeful excitement of a young child.
“Europe,” Nick sighed.
“Europe who?”
“No, you’re a poo!” Nick emphasised the punchline by comedically pointing one of his antenna at the other roach.
Silence.
Colin’s confused expression was more irritating than his voice. The joke, which usually drew a chuckle or polite smile, had been sucked into the black hole that was his Weird Colin’s personality. It was lost forever in the vacuum of charisma, and in that moment, Nick knew he would never tell it again.
Kylynn giggled politely, even though she’d heard it before.
“Oh, I see,” Colin got it. “Erm, you are a poo! Ha-ha!” His laugh was loud as he clapped Nick on his shoulder and continued chuckling. “No, erm, you’re a poo, Nick!” Colin laughed louder, almost uncontrollably, as if this was the first time he’d ever been told a joke in his whole life. What was most discomforting was that Colins' mirth wasn’t fake. It was weirdly genuine, which just made Nick feel all the more uncomfortable. He now had a connection with his manager, which meant he'd probably be at his side for the rest of the evening - leeching on his fun and enjoyment like a parasite. Or a kind of social vampire – one that drains your joy rather than your blood. Nick took a step back as his boss bent over, still shaking his head in hysterics. When Colin looked up again, he had to wipe away a tear.
“Oh yes. That was, erm, very funny, Nick. Do you have any other jokes?”
“No,” Nick’s reply was immediate and definitive. He turned to the team for support, but the three female cockroaches were busy chattering amongst themselves. They seemed to do that a lot more these days – talk amongst themselves. He watched them enviously as they gossiped excitedly, waving their antenna, flexing their wings and occasionally hissing over some incident in the kitchen. There was no way into that conversation at that moment. That’s why socialising was such hard work these days.
When did this happen? Nick lamented. He was always the fun one, always popular with his friends. However, over the last few weeks, he’d been feeling less connected to his colleagues and had nothing to contribute to discussions. Nick adjusted his wings self-consciously. He didn’t know why or where it came from but, he was aware of a distance growing between him and the rest of the team. What's more, his shell, always gleaming and bright, was starting to look neglected. For a horrifying moment, he feared he was turning into Weird Colin.
Weird Nick?
No, that would never happen!
His headache thumped as the silence between the pair yawned awkwardly. Colin was looking up at him with his usual mixture of sadness, disinterest and expectation. It was the kind of face you wanted to punch. Nick took self-conscious a sip of beer and scanned the room slowly, straining his antenna to catch the scent of anyone else he knew here. Colin’s over-powering aroma made it difficult to ignore him, but if Nick could steer him towards someone else and dump him on them. He'd wait for Colin to open his mouth, then he'd run away into the shadows where he’d be free to join his friends and be himself again. It would be unkind to the other person but, these were desperate times. His search for a surrogate conversation ended a few moments later when he realised there was no one else here that he knew. He was stuck here with his impossibly dull colleague. Irritability and boredom swelled within him. He should have stayed home tonight where it was damp and cosy and dark.
“I’ve, erm, started working on a new project in the kitchen,” Colin began in his haltingly dreary fashion. “It's going to be fascinating work, and I need you to help me with it. The pace will be a little slower, but it’ll be a nice change if, erm, nothing else.”
Right, I’ll go and kill myself now! Nick cursed under his breath, while out loud, he heard himself saying, “Oh. Okay, hang on a second.” He put his glass on the sticky table next to him. Then, without waiting for a response, Nick quickly scuttled to the toilets and disappeared under the door.
Inside the grotty, mildew stained bathroom, the row of five urinals was all unoccupied. Nick selected the one in the corner on the far right. He unzipped his flies and turned his attention downwards.
“That’s a, erm, a smashing idea," praised a flat, joyless voice from right beside him. Every muscle immediately tensed up.
Why did you have to follow me in here?
“You, erm, made me realise that I should probably go too. I need to be careful how much of this beer I drink. Ha-ha.” Colin’s chuckle was artificial and irritating.
Nick’s mouth twisted tightly, and he closed his eyes. “Yeah.”
There are four other urinals, so why do you have to stand so close? Nick complained to himself. You should always stand at least one urinal apart when you’re shaking the weasel. Everyone knows that! And you certainly don’t – under any circumstances – make conversation while you’ve both got your peckers’ out! God help me!
“This is, erm, a nice place," Colin continued, oblivious to Nicks discomfort. "These toilets are certainly pleasant, and I do like this Budweiser – ” he pronounced it bud-wiser, “ – beer they serve here. I’ll have to, erm, have another pint of it when we finish in here. How about you? Will you have another bud-wiser beer?”
"Yeah, probably," Nick replied, cursing his bladder. Colin's presence had not only annoyed him but had also triggered his shy bladder and, now he couldn’t go at all. When he came in, he could have had a decent slash, but now there was nothing. Stupid Weird Colin and his stupid voice had ruined his piss. And what's worse, Nick knew for a fact that as soon as he went back outside, he would need to go again. But he couldn’t come straight back into the bogs because that would just look weird, wouldn’t it! Nick stared straight ahead at the wall but felt Colin’s beady eyes upon him.
“I was, erm, watching a documentary last night,” Colin started to export more of his humourless drivel.
“Have you heard of the, erm, ampulex vampirosa? They are recognised officially as the ampulex compressa or the emerald cockroach wasp. They’re quite fascinating. Erm, you see – ”
"Right," Nick interrupted. He shook himself as if he'd just finished urinating and zipped up his flies. “I’ll see you outside,” Nick called over his shoulder, no longer caring if he appeared impolite. He didn’t wash his hands and quickly scuttled back under the door into the bar area. Outside he spied his team ran over to them.
“He’s such a weirdo.” He hissed urgently, massaging the dull ache behind his temples. “I don’t know how much more of him I can take.”
“Who?” Kylynn turned her feelers towards him. “Who’s that?”
“Colin. Weird frigging Colin!”
"Oh yeah, he's a bit dull, isn't he. I can't believe we've got to work with him."
"I know! He just followed me into the toilets to talk about wasps or something,” Nick shook his antenna in bewilderment.
“He’s here? Oh, dear. Should we say hello?” Kylynn's feelers waved around, trying to detect him.
“Yes..? He’s been here for ages...” Nick replied slowly, then stopped. Weird Colin was at his side again. That was strange - He hadn’t seen him come back. It was the second time Colin had crept up on him without him noticing. He moved to the side to allow Kylynn to see him but, she continued, "Where is he? Is he with anyone?"
Before Nick could respond, Colin addressed his confusion.
“They can’t, erm, see me,” his boss explained. His eyes seemed to sparkle in delight, and his antenna swished in a kind of gloating manner. “Only you can see me and hear me, erm, Nick. The reason for that is simple and also quite fascinating. You see, when we ampulex vampirosa sting a cockroach, we deliver a cocktail of chemicals, as well as several dozen eggs, into the victim’s brain. I made you, erm, forget about that particular encounter, but now your starting to notice things aren’t quite right? Something is different?”
Nick put a hand to his pounding head.
“You've got a headache and, you’re becoming more withdrawn and despondent.” Colin continued. “I know this because I’ve been in your head, feeding on your motivation and energy ever since I stung you.” Nick got another waft of that sickly-sweet odour as Colin rubbed his feelers together. By now, Wired Colin was almost buzzing with excitement as he continued, “I, erm, liked what you said about me earlier – a social vampire. I’ll have to remember that one. I knew I’d made a good choice when I picked you for this, erm, project.” Colin paused, and for a moment, his shape seemed to change. He became smaller, thinner, and his body took on a green hew. A wasp now hovered in front of Nick's eyes. It only lasted a second or two before Colin was a cockroach once more. Nick stumbled backwards as the weight of information sank in.
“It won’t be long now before you, erm, feel compelled to visit my nest. You’ll be like a mindless zombie - drained of your free will and totally under my control,” the vile wasp went on. “You’ll stay there while the larvae in your head grow. Then, when they’re ready to hatch, they'll erm, chew their way out. It’s fascinating to watch, and don't worry, I'll erm, keep you company the whole time. I'll look forward to hearing all of your funny jokes.” The old wasp grinned, and for the first time, despite his stinging migraine, Nick gave Colin his full, undivided attention.