Help, I'm Stuck in a Toilet Roll and I Can't Get Out
By Andy Morris
I was playing pirates with my three-year-old son, Ethan when I witnessed the most bizarre thing ever! We were jumping around on the sofa pretending it was our ship. Every now and then a huge wave would crash into us and we’d fall over and then bounce back up again with much hilarity. We were in the middle of a voyage around the world looking for buried treasure through our homemade telescope. We didn’t have any wrapping paper tubes, which would have been ideal, so we had to make do with a shorter toilet roll tube instead. Ethan was using our ‘mini' telescope to search for desert islands when the strange event occurred.
“Daddy,” he asked me. “Why is there a little man in our toilet roll tube?”
I didn’t know what he was going on about, but I played along. “I don’t know,” I joked, “Maybe he’s keeping a track of how much toilet paper Mummy uses when she does a poo?”
He laughed. For Ethan, that magical word ‘poo’ was a source of great delight and amusement. I briefly wondered how old he’d be before he stopped finding such glee with that particular term. Then I reflected on my own repertoire of jokes and grinned. I don’t think us boys ever really grow out of it!
‘Here Daddy, you look.” Ethan handed me the pretend telescope and sure enough, there was a tiny man stood at the end of the tube.
“Oh hello,” he waved when he saw me. “I do apologize for the intrusion, but I appear to have gotten myself be stuck in here.”
I almost dropped it on the floor. What the, flip? I turned the tube around and looked in from the other side, but remarkedly, he still appeared at the far end. The little man waited patiently while I alternated looking down one end of the tube and then the other, still trying to process what I was seeing.
“What is this?” I asked Ethan but he’d run off to tell his mum.
“I could really do with a bit of help because I can’t seem to get out.” Said the man apologetically. “Plus, I’m really not dressed for this kind of thing”.
I wasn't sure if he was referring to his blue and white striped pyjamas or the pair of oversized furry slippers on his feet. Maybe it was both?
“Have you tried sliding out? Here.” I tilted the brown tube slightly and held my hand underneath to catch him as he fell out. Nothing happened and when I looked back, he was still in the same place.
“That’s a smashing effort but it doesn’t quite work,” he explained encouragingly.
“Erm, okay… How did you get in there? And who are you?” I asked, still clearly baffled by the discovery of a man stuck in our toilet roll tube.
“I do beg your pardon; I should have introduced myself sooner.” He apologised again. “Where are my manners! I’m Horacio by the way. Horacio Bottomley, and I’m so pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“I’m Ben. Erm, what happened to you?”
“Oh, you know. It’s entirely my fault, I wasn’t paying attention and well, here I am. I feel like such a fool.”
“Okay.” I said slowly, still not understanding how he had ended up in there.
“Now, while I’m stuck in this predicament, may I trouble you for another favour?”
“Why not,” I shook my head, giving up any sense of logic or rationality.
“Please, don’t tell my wife I’m in here. She’ll go mad!” Horacio asked in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Don’t tell your wife?” I echoed. “Don’t worry, I don’t know your wife so I can’t tell her anyway. Is there anyone you do want me to call?”
“That’s awfully kind of you. I’ll need to think about that and let you know.”
I realised I was still standing on the sofa. My girlfriend Samantha hated it when Ethan and I bounced on here, so I quickly jumped down onto the floor. The springs sighed tiredly as the cushion reformed into its usual shape. It was good timing on my part too because at that moment Sam appeared in the doorway.
“Ethan says there’s a man stuck in your toilet roll tube.” Her deadpan expression showed neither disbelief nor confusion. She crossed the lounge with the brisk unflappability of a sergeant major. She clearly wasn’t fazed by the idea of a tiny man being stuck in a toilet roll tube. It was almost as if people being stuck in toilet roll tubes was perfectly normal to her. Then I reminded myself that Sam works a teacher in an infant’s school, so she’s probably used to the bizarre imaginings of young children.
“Take a look, Hun.” I offered her the tube. She swung it up to her eye in a smooth efficient movement. There she held it for a long moment before lowering it again.
“Really Ben? What did you do that for?”
I was surprised by her demeaning tone and, to be honest, I thought it a little unnecessary.
“What?”
“Don’t you think this is just a bit immature?” She stared down her nose at me for several long seconds and I felt like I was one of her children who had been caught misbehaving in class.
“What?” I repeated. “He just appeared in there, somehow.”
“Oh, of course, people just appear in toilet roll tubes, don’t they!” Her voice was carrying a lot more sarcasm than the situation warranted. “You should get him out. You can’t keep him in there.”
“I know but I didn’t put him in there, and I don’t know how to get him out.” I countered, quite reasonably.
“Well, you need to do something. It’s not…” she searched for the right word. “…ethical, to keep people in toilet roll tubes.”
Just then, the timer in the kitchen beeped loudly. “Right, I need to finish cooking the tea before I go out. You’ll need to give Ethan his bath in a bit, so don’t forget. And make sure you get that poor man out of there. Okay?” She pointed a long finger at me before turning on her heels and strutting out of the room, probably with her nose high in the air. I can’t confirm the bit about her nose being in the air because I’d turned my attention back to Horacio.
“Your girlfriend seems very nice,” the little man offered.
“Mm, yeah,” I agreed. Then added very quietly: “But she’s got this habit of always pointing out the obvious. It can be so annoying!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.” Horacio smiled amiably.
Just then an idea struck me. I grabbed a pen from the coffee table and poked it inside the tube.
“Here, can you reach this?”
“Oh dear, sorry to be a bother but would you mind not doing that.” The little man called back. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I really do appreciate your help, but your pen nearly knocked me for a six.”
“Sorry,” I winced sheepishly. “Can you grab it and maybe I can pull you out?” I dangled it in again, more slowly this time but Horacio couldn’t get hold of it, no matter what I tried.
“Daddy,” Ethan began calling from the doorway. “Mummy says you need to run my bath now.”
I sighed. “Hang on Horacio, I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay. He’s a lovely boy by the way. I can see he’s got your looks and I’m sure he’ll break a few hearts when he’s older.”
“Yes, thank you, I’m sure he will.” I carefully put the toilet roll down on the side of the sofa and went to carry out Sam’s orders.
When I came back downstairs Horacio had gone. I checked the sofa and the floor but there was no sign of him. Had I imaged it all? No, because Ethan and Sam had seen him too.
That strange encounter with the toilet roll stayed with me all evening. When Sam came home later that night, she didn’t seem overly bothered that Horacio had disappeared.
“Well I’m glad you did the right thing in the end,” she remarked in a slightly less patronising tone. “You know you shouldn’t do things like that to people, especially in front of Ethan. It’s not healthy.”
“But I didn’t do anything.” I tried to explain again. “He just appeared, and I still don’t know how he got in there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t let it happen again.” She kissed me and rolled over to go to sleep. I lay there for a while, still puzzled by the evening’s events until I eventually dropped off to sleep as well.
I awoke to find it extra dark in the bedroom. I peered over to the alarm clock to see what time it was, but the glowing red numerals had gone. As I went to move my hand to where the alarm clock usually sits, my elbow hit something next to me. I reached out and felt a wall. This was unusual because our bed was in the middle of the room. I sat up and experienced a moment of panic as I felt an unfamiliar circular wall all around me. It was then that I realised the covers were gone, and I was no longer in bed. I stood up and light poured down at me from a circular space several meters above. A giant eye hovered there before it moved back to reveal my girlfriend’s face peering down at me. She wore that same look of disappointment again.
“Oh, you’re awake now.” She observed. Clearly, I was awake because I was standing up and looking around, but I thought it best not point that out to her.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, it looks like you’ve got yourself stuck in a toilet roll tube now.” Her deadpan expression still conveyed neither disbelief nor concern. “Typical!” She admonished. “Someone does something silly and you have to copy them, don’t you!”
“What are you talking about? How did I get in here?” I stared up at the rough cardboard walls towering above me.
“It’s not so funny now is it!”
Sam still wasn’t being very helpful, which seemed to be her way these days.
“Playing around with things like this is so childish, Ben. I told you last night. And what kind of message do you think you’re giving Ethan. Hmm?”
“But I didn’t do anything.” I cried in frustration. “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know how I got in here and I don’t know why you think it’s my fault.”
“In that case, I don't know where to begin. It’s time you grew up started taking responsibility for your actions. You got yourself stuck in there, so you need to have a good hard think about how you’re going to get yourself out.”
“But I can’t. I need you to get me out of here. I just woke up and found myself in here. Honest! I didn’t do this!”
“Didn’t you, Ben? Didn’t you?” And with that final haughty comment, she disappeared from view.
“No, I didn’t!” I yelled again. “Help me, Sam? Anyone! I’m… I’m stuck in a toilet roll, and I can’t get out.”
“Daddy,” he asked me. “Why is there a little man in our toilet roll tube?”
I didn’t know what he was going on about, but I played along. “I don’t know,” I joked, “Maybe he’s keeping a track of how much toilet paper Mummy uses when she does a poo?”
He laughed. For Ethan, that magical word ‘poo’ was a source of great delight and amusement. I briefly wondered how old he’d be before he stopped finding such glee with that particular term. Then I reflected on my own repertoire of jokes and grinned. I don’t think us boys ever really grow out of it!
‘Here Daddy, you look.” Ethan handed me the pretend telescope and sure enough, there was a tiny man stood at the end of the tube.
“Oh hello,” he waved when he saw me. “I do apologize for the intrusion, but I appear to have gotten myself be stuck in here.”
I almost dropped it on the floor. What the, flip? I turned the tube around and looked in from the other side, but remarkedly, he still appeared at the far end. The little man waited patiently while I alternated looking down one end of the tube and then the other, still trying to process what I was seeing.
“What is this?” I asked Ethan but he’d run off to tell his mum.
“I could really do with a bit of help because I can’t seem to get out.” Said the man apologetically. “Plus, I’m really not dressed for this kind of thing”.
I wasn't sure if he was referring to his blue and white striped pyjamas or the pair of oversized furry slippers on his feet. Maybe it was both?
“Have you tried sliding out? Here.” I tilted the brown tube slightly and held my hand underneath to catch him as he fell out. Nothing happened and when I looked back, he was still in the same place.
“That’s a smashing effort but it doesn’t quite work,” he explained encouragingly.
“Erm, okay… How did you get in there? And who are you?” I asked, still clearly baffled by the discovery of a man stuck in our toilet roll tube.
“I do beg your pardon; I should have introduced myself sooner.” He apologised again. “Where are my manners! I’m Horacio by the way. Horacio Bottomley, and I’m so pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“I’m Ben. Erm, what happened to you?”
“Oh, you know. It’s entirely my fault, I wasn’t paying attention and well, here I am. I feel like such a fool.”
“Okay.” I said slowly, still not understanding how he had ended up in there.
“Now, while I’m stuck in this predicament, may I trouble you for another favour?”
“Why not,” I shook my head, giving up any sense of logic or rationality.
“Please, don’t tell my wife I’m in here. She’ll go mad!” Horacio asked in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Don’t tell your wife?” I echoed. “Don’t worry, I don’t know your wife so I can’t tell her anyway. Is there anyone you do want me to call?”
“That’s awfully kind of you. I’ll need to think about that and let you know.”
I realised I was still standing on the sofa. My girlfriend Samantha hated it when Ethan and I bounced on here, so I quickly jumped down onto the floor. The springs sighed tiredly as the cushion reformed into its usual shape. It was good timing on my part too because at that moment Sam appeared in the doorway.
“Ethan says there’s a man stuck in your toilet roll tube.” Her deadpan expression showed neither disbelief nor confusion. She crossed the lounge with the brisk unflappability of a sergeant major. She clearly wasn’t fazed by the idea of a tiny man being stuck in a toilet roll tube. It was almost as if people being stuck in toilet roll tubes was perfectly normal to her. Then I reminded myself that Sam works a teacher in an infant’s school, so she’s probably used to the bizarre imaginings of young children.
“Take a look, Hun.” I offered her the tube. She swung it up to her eye in a smooth efficient movement. There she held it for a long moment before lowering it again.
“Really Ben? What did you do that for?”
I was surprised by her demeaning tone and, to be honest, I thought it a little unnecessary.
“What?”
“Don’t you think this is just a bit immature?” She stared down her nose at me for several long seconds and I felt like I was one of her children who had been caught misbehaving in class.
“What?” I repeated. “He just appeared in there, somehow.”
“Oh, of course, people just appear in toilet roll tubes, don’t they!” Her voice was carrying a lot more sarcasm than the situation warranted. “You should get him out. You can’t keep him in there.”
“I know but I didn’t put him in there, and I don’t know how to get him out.” I countered, quite reasonably.
“Well, you need to do something. It’s not…” she searched for the right word. “…ethical, to keep people in toilet roll tubes.”
Just then, the timer in the kitchen beeped loudly. “Right, I need to finish cooking the tea before I go out. You’ll need to give Ethan his bath in a bit, so don’t forget. And make sure you get that poor man out of there. Okay?” She pointed a long finger at me before turning on her heels and strutting out of the room, probably with her nose high in the air. I can’t confirm the bit about her nose being in the air because I’d turned my attention back to Horacio.
“Your girlfriend seems very nice,” the little man offered.
“Mm, yeah,” I agreed. Then added very quietly: “But she’s got this habit of always pointing out the obvious. It can be so annoying!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.” Horacio smiled amiably.
Just then an idea struck me. I grabbed a pen from the coffee table and poked it inside the tube.
“Here, can you reach this?”
“Oh dear, sorry to be a bother but would you mind not doing that.” The little man called back. “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I really do appreciate your help, but your pen nearly knocked me for a six.”
“Sorry,” I winced sheepishly. “Can you grab it and maybe I can pull you out?” I dangled it in again, more slowly this time but Horacio couldn’t get hold of it, no matter what I tried.
“Daddy,” Ethan began calling from the doorway. “Mummy says you need to run my bath now.”
I sighed. “Hang on Horacio, I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay. He’s a lovely boy by the way. I can see he’s got your looks and I’m sure he’ll break a few hearts when he’s older.”
“Yes, thank you, I’m sure he will.” I carefully put the toilet roll down on the side of the sofa and went to carry out Sam’s orders.
When I came back downstairs Horacio had gone. I checked the sofa and the floor but there was no sign of him. Had I imaged it all? No, because Ethan and Sam had seen him too.
That strange encounter with the toilet roll stayed with me all evening. When Sam came home later that night, she didn’t seem overly bothered that Horacio had disappeared.
“Well I’m glad you did the right thing in the end,” she remarked in a slightly less patronising tone. “You know you shouldn’t do things like that to people, especially in front of Ethan. It’s not healthy.”
“But I didn’t do anything.” I tried to explain again. “He just appeared, and I still don’t know how he got in there.”
“Whatever. Just don’t let it happen again.” She kissed me and rolled over to go to sleep. I lay there for a while, still puzzled by the evening’s events until I eventually dropped off to sleep as well.
I awoke to find it extra dark in the bedroom. I peered over to the alarm clock to see what time it was, but the glowing red numerals had gone. As I went to move my hand to where the alarm clock usually sits, my elbow hit something next to me. I reached out and felt a wall. This was unusual because our bed was in the middle of the room. I sat up and experienced a moment of panic as I felt an unfamiliar circular wall all around me. It was then that I realised the covers were gone, and I was no longer in bed. I stood up and light poured down at me from a circular space several meters above. A giant eye hovered there before it moved back to reveal my girlfriend’s face peering down at me. She wore that same look of disappointment again.
“Oh, you’re awake now.” She observed. Clearly, I was awake because I was standing up and looking around, but I thought it best not point that out to her.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, it looks like you’ve got yourself stuck in a toilet roll tube now.” Her deadpan expression still conveyed neither disbelief nor concern. “Typical!” She admonished. “Someone does something silly and you have to copy them, don’t you!”
“What are you talking about? How did I get in here?” I stared up at the rough cardboard walls towering above me.
“It’s not so funny now is it!”
Sam still wasn’t being very helpful, which seemed to be her way these days.
“Playing around with things like this is so childish, Ben. I told you last night. And what kind of message do you think you’re giving Ethan. Hmm?”
“But I didn’t do anything.” I cried in frustration. “I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know how I got in here and I don’t know why you think it’s my fault.”
“In that case, I don't know where to begin. It’s time you grew up started taking responsibility for your actions. You got yourself stuck in there, so you need to have a good hard think about how you’re going to get yourself out.”
“But I can’t. I need you to get me out of here. I just woke up and found myself in here. Honest! I didn’t do this!”
“Didn’t you, Ben? Didn’t you?” And with that final haughty comment, she disappeared from view.
“No, I didn’t!” I yelled again. “Help me, Sam? Anyone! I’m… I’m stuck in a toilet roll, and I can’t get out.”