When The Lights Go Out
By Andy Morris
Valerie’s employer, Mrs Forsely, was a formidable woman with a short temper and long memory. She reminded Valerie of the nuns who had raised her back in her home country. Like the nuns, her employer was often cruel and vindictive. Despite this, Valerie had worked as Mrs Forsely’s au-pair for the last four years. Her duties were tiresome and thankless but it was the children that kept her going in the family home.
The Edwardian townhouse where they all lived was currently being renovated. Most rooms were now skeletal in appearance with exposed wires and broken floorboards. It wasn’t safe for the children, so when Mrs Forsley went away on a sudden last-minute trip that morning Valerie decided to take the kids on their own special adventure. They hadn’t had much time to prepare but Valerie preferred to do things on the spur of the moment. When she saw an opportunity, she exploited it fully and this excursion with the kids was something they all desperately needed. She’d had enough of her employer’s tantrums and now it was just Valerie and the kids. No more walking on eggshells, for any of them. From this moment onwards, Valerie was no longer their au pair; she was their mother. She was going to be the best mother to these kids, right after she dealt with her immediate problem.
They’d only been driving for two hours but the pressure on her bladder had become excruciating. The urgency came in crashing waves and her muscles were so tense she was now gasping instead of breathing normally. She squirmed in her seat gripping the steering wheel tighter while she clenched her buttocks, alternating between the left and right in a desperate effort to hold it all in.
You can’t go much further, the voice in her head hissed. You’ve got to stop soon.
If the worst came to the worst she could squat behind a tree. There were plenty of wet-wipes in Emily’s nappy bag but the road was too narrow and too dark to safely pull-over. Another speeding car may not see them until it was too late and crash into the back of them.
There were no public toilets open at this hour and the last service station had been closed. She couldn’t last much longer so she’d come off the M27 at Totton to look for somewhere to stop in the New Forest. There were no streetlights out here in the middle of nowhere but with no other cars around Valerie put her foot down. Spurred on by her desperation to urinate she sped down the narrow forest lanes. Black trees barely visible against the curtain of night flashed past the windscreen on either side.
“Are we nearly there yet? I’m tired” Max whined from the backseat of the Range Rover. Valerie wasn’t usually permitted to drive Mrs Forsely’s expensive car but under the circumstances, she didn’t think there’d be any sin in borrowing it.
“It’s okay Max, we’ll be there soon.” Her response was automatic and insincere and she briefly admonished herself. Max had an uncanny knack of picking up on unspoken messages and he would have heard the disingenuous tone in her voice.
“We need to find a toilet. Then, we’ll get back on our way.” She made herself sound a little brighter.
They needed to stop soon; desperation was threatening to overwhelm her. She started counting down slowly from one hundred [sto]. When promised herself when she reached one [adeen] she’d stop at the side of the road, regardless of where they were.
Valerie had got to dvatsat vosim’ [twenty-eight] when the road bent round to the right to reveal her salvation – A lonely toilet block. It looked old and neglected like an abandoned cottage in the middle of the woods. A dim light hung over the entrance and in its pale moon-like glow Valerie saw the green door had been left open.
“Max, I’m going to go to the loo.” She stamped hard on the brakes. “Are you sure you do not need to go?”
He didn’t.
Valerie unfastened her seatbelt. “I will only be a minute but I need you to stay here with your sister. Don’t wake her up, just sit here and I’ll be back in a second. Yes?”
Max was about to protest but Valerie added, “I won’t be long. Don’t worry, nothing will happen.’
"Okay," Max sighed, staring out of the window into the night. Valerie hesitated for a split-second.
They’ll be fine!
She flung open the door and dashed into the chilly night air. The toilet door was stiff and had probably warped in the dampness but she managed to shove it open. The tangy odour of urine and mildew hung in the air. Valerie glanced at herself in the dirty mirror above one of the sinks. She looked awful but, after chaos and fireworks earlier today this was the least of her concerns.
Four empty cubicles lined the wall opposite the washbasins. Her shoes, which she’d also borrowed from Mrs Forsely’s wardrobe before they left, echoed loudly as she hurriedly click-clacked her way over the damp tiles and into the nearest toilet. She didn’t bother wiping the seat or even checking if there was any toilet roll before she sank onto the cold plastic seat and her relief was immediate. Desperation gave way to gushing release and she melted into herself with a satisfied sigh. Her head lolled backwards and she closed her eyes. Her bladder sank and her entire body unwound.
Bliss!
Her tranquillity was interrupted a moment later by a loud electric buzzing. Valerie opened her eyes to see the long strip-light overhead was flickering, creating a wild strobe effect. She sat perfectly still and watched it, waiting for it to correct itself and return to normal. Reality flashed and jumped before her reminding her of a Russian horror film she’d recently watched. The light was unnerving as if a burst of electricity was about to leap out and zap her. It was stupid but she wanted to finish up quickly and get out. As she went to haul up her jeans the flickering slowed to a steady beat, which was even more disorientating. The light brightened, dimmed, brightened, dimmed. Familiar tension tightened in her shoulders as she realised just how dark it was without any illumination. She’d hate to be stuck in here if the lights went out completely. She’d learned all about electrical wiring from the internet and she knew just how disastrous faulty appliances could be. Nothing would happen if the bulb did go; it would just be very dark but that didn’t make her feel any less vulnerable. The light flickered once more and then with a loud pop, it shut off completely, plunging Valerie into total darkness.
It was worse than she had feared. The blackness was as thick as treacle. It oozed around her from all sides. Goosebumps raced up her arms like centipedes scurrying along a rotten floor. Valerie’s breath caught in her throat and she froze, willing the light to return. She couldn’t even see her hands in front of her. She closed her eyes and opened them again. There was no difference. Her fingers fumbled to do up the button on her jeans. She struggled for several long seconds in the black silence until she eventually got it fastened.
Calm down. It’s just the bulb.
It didn’t help to ease her panic. Her cubicle was as dark and silent as a tomb.
She shouldn’t be here. She didn’t belong. Quickly she reached out to the door and for a split-second, her panic intensified as she worried she wouldn’t find the lock. Thankfully her fingers closed around the catch and her fear took a small step back. For reasons she couldn’t explain Valerie needed to unlock the door as quickly and as quietly as she could. There was an urgency pushing her to escape but as she was about to unlock the cubicle, the outside door to the toilets slammed closed with a thundering echo.
Valerie snatched her hand away from the lock and froze, fingers hovering above the catch. Nothing stirred beyond the door. It was as if there was something, at the edge of her perception waiting for her in the pregnant silence.
It’s the wind. It’s just the wind outside. It’s fine!
But there wasn’t any wind outside.
A second bang shattered the stillness as the door of the far cubicle smashed closed all by itself. Valerie didn’t have time to react before the next cubicle door exploded. The sound reminding Valerie of her furious employer throwing a door shut in one of her all-too-frequent rages.
Valerie couldn’t move. The dark walls closed in around her. The blackness swelled and intensified with suffocating despair.
Next, it was the cubicle beside hers. The door violently crashed, jolting the entire frame. It happened with such terrifying force and a small moan escaped her lips.
A second later something rammed into Valerie’s door. It remained closed. Valerie couldn’t breathe. A second vicious impact hit the wood and Valerie shrank back, against the toilet bowl. Her fingers pressed tightly to her lips. She started at the spot where she thought the lock was must be. Whatever was out there it couldn’t get in. She was safe, for now. Then she thought of Max and Emily. They were outside, alone. She imagined them cringing in the car with no one to comfort them. That was her job now. She needed to keep them safe. A new resolve stirred from deep within and before she knew what she was doing Valerie had stood up again, found the lock, and clicked it up. She pushed open the door with the tip of her finger.
Nothing happened.
The darkness remained absolute. Valerie peered into the void and saw nothing. It looked like she was alone and, if anything, that was worse! Somewhere in front of her were the sinks and the exit was further away on her left. Valerie cautiously tiptoed out of cubicle into the thick coagulating darkness. She paused; something could rush into her at any moment. Her throat felt numb as she tried to push the thought away. She turned towards the way out and took her first tentative step. That was when the silence was shattered.
The three wall-mounted hand-driers switched on in unison. She was nowhere near them, yet they all coughed into life at the same time. A deafening mechanical roar bellowed at her in the blackness. The noise hit her with such overwhelming force that she was momentarily paralysed. The thunderous machines whirred and shrieked. It was deafeningly loud. Their motors were running at an ear-splitting rate. Valerie’s new-found resolve evaporated as the angry cacophony tore at her sanity. It was like a furious army of ghosts swooping all around her, screaming in fury of the lives they’d lost.
Hands clasped together in front of her, Valerie bowed her head against the terrible din and managed to take a cautious step towards the door. She shuffled forward again with the fragility of a new-born chick taking its first steps. Valerie continued to cross the floor with tiny footsteps. Eventually, her fumbling hands scrapped along porcelain tiles until her nails tapped against the wooden doorframe. Her fingers closed around the cold metal handle and she yanked the door open. At first, it didn't move but summoning a strength that she never knew she had, Valerie wrenched on the handle so hard that it flew open, nearly hitting her in the face. Immediately the horror behind her was silenced and everything returned to normal. The hand-dryers stopped and the fluorescent light flickered on and remained on.
Outside, the car was still there and Max’s little face was looking out, a mixture of boredom and tiredness etched across his young features. Valerie hurried across the road, retrieving the key from her pocket. She scrambled into the car, started the engine and pulled away before the car door was even closed. Her heart hammered wildly in her chest and it was several seconds before Valerie risked a glance back at the toilet block. There was no sign anything untoward. The sickly pale light continued to spill out of the open door of the small deserted building. She turned back to the road and sped on.
“What’s the matter?” Max asked quietly.
Valerie forced a smile at him in the mirror.
“Oh, it’s nothing. The lights went off in there for a moment. That’s all.”
“Like when Mummy had her accident?”
Valerie’s fragile nerves were jolted again.
“What did you say? Mummy’s fine,” Valerie lied. “She’s gone on a business trip, remember?”
“No, you tricked Mummy," Max said matter-of-factly. “You changed the light switch so when she touched it this morning, she got an electric shock.”
Valerie felt as if a live current was passing through her. The Range Rover drifted to the side and she had to spin the wheel sharply to maintain control of the speeding vehicle.
How could he..?
As if in response, Max continued: “Mummy told me, just before she followed you into the toilets.”
The Edwardian townhouse where they all lived was currently being renovated. Most rooms were now skeletal in appearance with exposed wires and broken floorboards. It wasn’t safe for the children, so when Mrs Forsley went away on a sudden last-minute trip that morning Valerie decided to take the kids on their own special adventure. They hadn’t had much time to prepare but Valerie preferred to do things on the spur of the moment. When she saw an opportunity, she exploited it fully and this excursion with the kids was something they all desperately needed. She’d had enough of her employer’s tantrums and now it was just Valerie and the kids. No more walking on eggshells, for any of them. From this moment onwards, Valerie was no longer their au pair; she was their mother. She was going to be the best mother to these kids, right after she dealt with her immediate problem.
They’d only been driving for two hours but the pressure on her bladder had become excruciating. The urgency came in crashing waves and her muscles were so tense she was now gasping instead of breathing normally. She squirmed in her seat gripping the steering wheel tighter while she clenched her buttocks, alternating between the left and right in a desperate effort to hold it all in.
You can’t go much further, the voice in her head hissed. You’ve got to stop soon.
If the worst came to the worst she could squat behind a tree. There were plenty of wet-wipes in Emily’s nappy bag but the road was too narrow and too dark to safely pull-over. Another speeding car may not see them until it was too late and crash into the back of them.
There were no public toilets open at this hour and the last service station had been closed. She couldn’t last much longer so she’d come off the M27 at Totton to look for somewhere to stop in the New Forest. There were no streetlights out here in the middle of nowhere but with no other cars around Valerie put her foot down. Spurred on by her desperation to urinate she sped down the narrow forest lanes. Black trees barely visible against the curtain of night flashed past the windscreen on either side.
“Are we nearly there yet? I’m tired” Max whined from the backseat of the Range Rover. Valerie wasn’t usually permitted to drive Mrs Forsely’s expensive car but under the circumstances, she didn’t think there’d be any sin in borrowing it.
“It’s okay Max, we’ll be there soon.” Her response was automatic and insincere and she briefly admonished herself. Max had an uncanny knack of picking up on unspoken messages and he would have heard the disingenuous tone in her voice.
“We need to find a toilet. Then, we’ll get back on our way.” She made herself sound a little brighter.
They needed to stop soon; desperation was threatening to overwhelm her. She started counting down slowly from one hundred [sto]. When promised herself when she reached one [adeen] she’d stop at the side of the road, regardless of where they were.
Valerie had got to dvatsat vosim’ [twenty-eight] when the road bent round to the right to reveal her salvation – A lonely toilet block. It looked old and neglected like an abandoned cottage in the middle of the woods. A dim light hung over the entrance and in its pale moon-like glow Valerie saw the green door had been left open.
“Max, I’m going to go to the loo.” She stamped hard on the brakes. “Are you sure you do not need to go?”
He didn’t.
Valerie unfastened her seatbelt. “I will only be a minute but I need you to stay here with your sister. Don’t wake her up, just sit here and I’ll be back in a second. Yes?”
Max was about to protest but Valerie added, “I won’t be long. Don’t worry, nothing will happen.’
"Okay," Max sighed, staring out of the window into the night. Valerie hesitated for a split-second.
They’ll be fine!
She flung open the door and dashed into the chilly night air. The toilet door was stiff and had probably warped in the dampness but she managed to shove it open. The tangy odour of urine and mildew hung in the air. Valerie glanced at herself in the dirty mirror above one of the sinks. She looked awful but, after chaos and fireworks earlier today this was the least of her concerns.
Four empty cubicles lined the wall opposite the washbasins. Her shoes, which she’d also borrowed from Mrs Forsely’s wardrobe before they left, echoed loudly as she hurriedly click-clacked her way over the damp tiles and into the nearest toilet. She didn’t bother wiping the seat or even checking if there was any toilet roll before she sank onto the cold plastic seat and her relief was immediate. Desperation gave way to gushing release and she melted into herself with a satisfied sigh. Her head lolled backwards and she closed her eyes. Her bladder sank and her entire body unwound.
Bliss!
Her tranquillity was interrupted a moment later by a loud electric buzzing. Valerie opened her eyes to see the long strip-light overhead was flickering, creating a wild strobe effect. She sat perfectly still and watched it, waiting for it to correct itself and return to normal. Reality flashed and jumped before her reminding her of a Russian horror film she’d recently watched. The light was unnerving as if a burst of electricity was about to leap out and zap her. It was stupid but she wanted to finish up quickly and get out. As she went to haul up her jeans the flickering slowed to a steady beat, which was even more disorientating. The light brightened, dimmed, brightened, dimmed. Familiar tension tightened in her shoulders as she realised just how dark it was without any illumination. She’d hate to be stuck in here if the lights went out completely. She’d learned all about electrical wiring from the internet and she knew just how disastrous faulty appliances could be. Nothing would happen if the bulb did go; it would just be very dark but that didn’t make her feel any less vulnerable. The light flickered once more and then with a loud pop, it shut off completely, plunging Valerie into total darkness.
It was worse than she had feared. The blackness was as thick as treacle. It oozed around her from all sides. Goosebumps raced up her arms like centipedes scurrying along a rotten floor. Valerie’s breath caught in her throat and she froze, willing the light to return. She couldn’t even see her hands in front of her. She closed her eyes and opened them again. There was no difference. Her fingers fumbled to do up the button on her jeans. She struggled for several long seconds in the black silence until she eventually got it fastened.
Calm down. It’s just the bulb.
It didn’t help to ease her panic. Her cubicle was as dark and silent as a tomb.
She shouldn’t be here. She didn’t belong. Quickly she reached out to the door and for a split-second, her panic intensified as she worried she wouldn’t find the lock. Thankfully her fingers closed around the catch and her fear took a small step back. For reasons she couldn’t explain Valerie needed to unlock the door as quickly and as quietly as she could. There was an urgency pushing her to escape but as she was about to unlock the cubicle, the outside door to the toilets slammed closed with a thundering echo.
Valerie snatched her hand away from the lock and froze, fingers hovering above the catch. Nothing stirred beyond the door. It was as if there was something, at the edge of her perception waiting for her in the pregnant silence.
It’s the wind. It’s just the wind outside. It’s fine!
But there wasn’t any wind outside.
A second bang shattered the stillness as the door of the far cubicle smashed closed all by itself. Valerie didn’t have time to react before the next cubicle door exploded. The sound reminding Valerie of her furious employer throwing a door shut in one of her all-too-frequent rages.
Valerie couldn’t move. The dark walls closed in around her. The blackness swelled and intensified with suffocating despair.
Next, it was the cubicle beside hers. The door violently crashed, jolting the entire frame. It happened with such terrifying force and a small moan escaped her lips.
A second later something rammed into Valerie’s door. It remained closed. Valerie couldn’t breathe. A second vicious impact hit the wood and Valerie shrank back, against the toilet bowl. Her fingers pressed tightly to her lips. She started at the spot where she thought the lock was must be. Whatever was out there it couldn’t get in. She was safe, for now. Then she thought of Max and Emily. They were outside, alone. She imagined them cringing in the car with no one to comfort them. That was her job now. She needed to keep them safe. A new resolve stirred from deep within and before she knew what she was doing Valerie had stood up again, found the lock, and clicked it up. She pushed open the door with the tip of her finger.
Nothing happened.
The darkness remained absolute. Valerie peered into the void and saw nothing. It looked like she was alone and, if anything, that was worse! Somewhere in front of her were the sinks and the exit was further away on her left. Valerie cautiously tiptoed out of cubicle into the thick coagulating darkness. She paused; something could rush into her at any moment. Her throat felt numb as she tried to push the thought away. She turned towards the way out and took her first tentative step. That was when the silence was shattered.
The three wall-mounted hand-driers switched on in unison. She was nowhere near them, yet they all coughed into life at the same time. A deafening mechanical roar bellowed at her in the blackness. The noise hit her with such overwhelming force that she was momentarily paralysed. The thunderous machines whirred and shrieked. It was deafeningly loud. Their motors were running at an ear-splitting rate. Valerie’s new-found resolve evaporated as the angry cacophony tore at her sanity. It was like a furious army of ghosts swooping all around her, screaming in fury of the lives they’d lost.
Hands clasped together in front of her, Valerie bowed her head against the terrible din and managed to take a cautious step towards the door. She shuffled forward again with the fragility of a new-born chick taking its first steps. Valerie continued to cross the floor with tiny footsteps. Eventually, her fumbling hands scrapped along porcelain tiles until her nails tapped against the wooden doorframe. Her fingers closed around the cold metal handle and she yanked the door open. At first, it didn't move but summoning a strength that she never knew she had, Valerie wrenched on the handle so hard that it flew open, nearly hitting her in the face. Immediately the horror behind her was silenced and everything returned to normal. The hand-dryers stopped and the fluorescent light flickered on and remained on.
Outside, the car was still there and Max’s little face was looking out, a mixture of boredom and tiredness etched across his young features. Valerie hurried across the road, retrieving the key from her pocket. She scrambled into the car, started the engine and pulled away before the car door was even closed. Her heart hammered wildly in her chest and it was several seconds before Valerie risked a glance back at the toilet block. There was no sign anything untoward. The sickly pale light continued to spill out of the open door of the small deserted building. She turned back to the road and sped on.
“What’s the matter?” Max asked quietly.
Valerie forced a smile at him in the mirror.
“Oh, it’s nothing. The lights went off in there for a moment. That’s all.”
“Like when Mummy had her accident?”
Valerie’s fragile nerves were jolted again.
“What did you say? Mummy’s fine,” Valerie lied. “She’s gone on a business trip, remember?”
“No, you tricked Mummy," Max said matter-of-factly. “You changed the light switch so when she touched it this morning, she got an electric shock.”
Valerie felt as if a live current was passing through her. The Range Rover drifted to the side and she had to spin the wheel sharply to maintain control of the speeding vehicle.
How could he..?
As if in response, Max continued: “Mummy told me, just before she followed you into the toilets.”